How to Not Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love
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- Type：Epub+TxT+PDF+Mobi
- Create Date：2022-02-16 06:51:58
- Update Date：2025-09-06
- Status：finish
- Author：Logan Ury
- ISBN：1982120630
- Environment：PC/Android/iPhone/iPad/Kindle
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Summary
A “must-read” （The Washington Post） funny and practical guide to help you find， build， and keep the relationship of your dreams。
Have you ever looked around and wondered， “Why has everyone found love except me？” You’re not the only one。 Great relationships don’t just appear in our lives—they’re the culmination of a series of decisions， including whom to date， how to end it with the wrong person， and when to commit to the right one。 But our brains often get in the way。 We make poor decisions， which thwart us on our quest to find lasting love。
Drawing from years of research， behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury reveals the hidden forces that cause those mistakes。 But awareness on its own doesn’t lead to results。 You have to actually change your behavior。 Ury shows you how。
This “simple-to-use guide” （Lori Gottlieb， New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone） focuses on a different decision in each chapter， incorporating insights from behavioral science， original research， and real-life stories。 You’ll learn:
-What’s holding you back in dating （and how to break the pattern）
-What really matters in a long-term partner （and what really doesn’t）
-How to overcome the perils of online dating （and make the apps work for you）
-How to meet more people in real life （while doing activities you love）
-How to make dates fun again （so they stop feeling like job interviews）
-Why “the spark” is a myth （but you’ll find love anyway）
This “data-driven” （Time）， step-by-step guide to relationships， complete with hands-on exercises， is designed to transform your life。 How to Not Die Alone will help you find， build， and keep the relationship of your dreams。
Have you ever looked around and wondered， “Why has everyone found love except me？” You’re not the only one。 Great relationships don’t just appear in our lives—they’re the culmination of a series of decisions， including whom to date， how to end it with the wrong person， and when to commit to the right one。 But our brains often get in the way。 We make poor decisions， which thwart us on our quest to find lasting love。
Drawing from years of research， behavioral scientist turned dating coach Logan Ury reveals the hidden forces that cause those mistakes。 But awareness on its own doesn’t lead to results。 You have to actually change your behavior。 Ury shows you how。
This “simple-to-use guide” （Lori Gottlieb， New York Times bestselling author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone） focuses on a different decision in each chapter， incorporating insights from behavioral science， original research， and real-life stories。 You’ll learn:
-What’s holding you back in dating （and how to break the pattern）
-What really matters in a long-term partner （and what really doesn’t）
-How to overcome the perils of online dating （and make the apps work for you）
-How to meet more people in real life （while doing activities you love）
-How to make dates fun again （so they stop feeling like job interviews）
-Why “the spark” is a myth （but you’ll find love anyway）
This “data-driven” （Time）， step-by-step guide to relationships， complete with hands-on exercises， is designed to transform your life。 How to Not Die Alone will help you find， build， and keep the relationship of your dreams。
Reviews
Olivia Duke
，
I really like Logan Ury。 Will let y’all know if I die alone。
Georgia Scott
，
Should be required reading for anyone who is not married 🥲 so good and so helpful。
Jaskaran Singh
，
Love was the only area left where i didn't apply scientific thinking and with this book， i have done that also。 This book is written in a simple language。 Some of the ideas I liked - looking for growth mindset， the spark （love at first sight） are fluke， explore a lot of options（37% algorithm）。 I think the title should have been different as it seems a bit pessimistic。 But if you are single and want to find some good relationship， this book can prepare you really well for that。 I might read it ag Love was the only area left where i didn't apply scientific thinking and with this book， i have done that also。 This book is written in a simple language。 Some of the ideas I liked - looking for growth mindset， the spark （love at first sight） are fluke， explore a lot of options（37% algorithm）。 I think the title should have been different as it seems a bit pessimistic。 But if you are single and want to find some good relationship， this book can prepare you really well for that。 I might read it again after 6 months from now just to brush up my concepts。 Its ironical that i am writing this book review on Valentine day。 I guess i have not taken any actionable step after reading this。 。。。more
Dhara
，
Ury has a natural tact when it comes to explain complex behaviourist ideas， threading the themes of the thesis throughout the entire book。 I think the first half of the book， explaining the theories and psychology was more interesting than the second half which comes off a little preachy。 Overall very insightful and enjoyable。
David Shih
，
I enjoyed the parts about identifing your dating tendencies （romantizier， maximizer， and hesitator） and attachment style （anxiously， avoidantly， or securely attached）。Great philosophy about pursuing intentional love。I'd recommend this easy read to those on the dating scene。 I enjoyed the parts about identifing your dating tendencies （romantizier， maximizer， and hesitator） and attachment style （anxiously， avoidantly， or securely attached）。Great philosophy about pursuing intentional love。I'd recommend this easy read to those on the dating scene。 。。。more
Natalie
，
Summary: Very helpful reminders。 To research anxious-avoidant personalities。 To catch myself being a Maximizer or a hesitator。 To Decide not Slide into relationship decision points。 Good check-ins to have with your partner。 Worksheets to talk through relationship desires now and in the future to make sure you're aligned。 Strategies for breaking up with someone （such as having a plan on who you'll call when you have exciting or sad news to share）。 Useful as a reread for all parts of a relationshi Summary: Very helpful reminders。 To research anxious-avoidant personalities。 To catch myself being a Maximizer or a hesitator。 To Decide not Slide into relationship decision points。 Good check-ins to have with your partner。 Worksheets to talk through relationship desires now and in the future to make sure you're aligned。 Strategies for breaking up with someone （such as having a plan on who you'll call when you have exciting or sad news to share）。 Useful as a reread for all parts of a relationship。 The dark side of all this freedom and endless choice is the crippling fear that we'll screw up our lifelong pursuit of happiness。 If we're in charge， then we have only ourselves to blame。 We could fail， and then it would be our fault。 Maximizers constantly second guess themselves。 They suffer doubly: first in the agony leading up to the decision， and gagin every time they worry they've made the wrong one。 People with secure attachment style make ideal partners。 They're reliable and trustworthy。 They tend to avoid drama and if not， are able to defuse it when they see it coming。 They're flexible， forgiving， and good at communicating。 They behave consistently。 THey create healthy boundaries。 They're comfortable with intimacy。 It can be helpful to get a third party view。 Instead of asking 'what did you think of him'， ask 'what did you think of me around him？''How do you want to feel in a relationship？'A great long-term partner is loyal， kind and emotionally stable， a person with whom you can grow， make hard decisions and fight constructively。 （aka， no protest behavior like I tend to do）Give support responses instead of shift responses。 A shift response is a moment in which you shift the focus of a conversation back to yourself。 A support response， on the other hand， encourages the speaker to continue the story。 Exercise: The Wardrobe TestIf your partner were a piece of clothing that you own--- something in your closet---what piece of clothing would they be？ （For me， Brad is my north face sweatshirt）。 Exercise: Record your reasons for the breakup in a notebook。 Write yourself a letter explaining why you're making the decision。 I admire Scott's discipline: The way he works out every day， cooks healthy meals。。。 I believe in us as a team。 Either way it was an adventure， not an accident。 You designed your life， you held yourself accountable， you were honest with yourself about who you were and what you wanted， and most important， you course-corrected when you had to。 You didn't live someone else's idea of life， you lived yours。 。。。more
Winona Muliadi
，
Been reading this on and off for the past month and just realized I finished exactly on Valentine's Day， haha the irony。This book takes the simplifying， broad approach to delivering its points， often generalizing people into several groups （e。g Maximizers vs Satisficers， the Prom Date vs the Life Partner， Hitchers vs Ditchers， etc）。 While this isn't very practical as people are dynamic， multi-dimensional individuals， I do find this approach readable， concise， but still informative。 It also helps Been reading this on and off for the past month and just realized I finished exactly on Valentine's Day， haha the irony。This book takes the simplifying， broad approach to delivering its points， often generalizing people into several groups （e。g Maximizers vs Satisficers， the Prom Date vs the Life Partner， Hitchers vs Ditchers， etc）。 While this isn't very practical as people are dynamic， multi-dimensional individuals， I do find this approach readable， concise， but still informative。 It also helps that the author has a sense of humor。Overall， this book doesn't deliver mind-blowing facts， but serves as a good reminder of the things I deep down already know but give little attention to， e。g:- The Happily-Ever-After Fallacy: the false notion that the hard part of love is finding someone。- The Intention-Action Gap: when we intend to do something but don't take the steps to make it happen。 - How I'm Anxiously attached: trying to minimize the pain of rejection by pretending I don't actually want to connect， dwell on partner's imperfections and use those as an excuse to exit relationship and regain independence。 - The Present Bias: error in judgement that cause us to place disproportionately high value on the here and now， and low value on the future。- The Paradox of Choice: assuming that the more choice will make us happier， but too many options can make us less happy due to choice overload。- The Money Effect: when we have only a rough perception of someone， our brain， hoping for a great outcome， fills in all the gaps optimistically， which can lead to future disappointments when faced with the facts。- Stop confusing pet peeves with dealbreakers。 。。。more
Mu-tien Chiou
，
The book has science in its title， and the marketing has put a lot emphasis on a behavioral science-based approach to dating。 I was being recommended to pick this book up by people who know I am researching on it。 Turns out this book is carries not enough academic weight for my need。 The book does offer easy-to-read practical wisdom on forming healthy long-term romantic relationship though。 It is just that there is little I did not previously know， except for a few witty pick-up lines the author The book has science in its title， and the marketing has put a lot emphasis on a behavioral science-based approach to dating。 I was being recommended to pick this book up by people who know I am researching on it。 Turns out this book is carries not enough academic weight for my need。 The book does offer easy-to-read practical wisdom on forming healthy long-term romantic relationship though。 It is just that there is little I did not previously know， except for a few witty pick-up lines the author used as her examples。 If you considered yourself a coach on this topic and was attracted to the "behavioral science" part of the title， skip this book。 But if you're struggling in your singlehood， this book is a reliable guide。 。。。more
Guillaume
，
Section 1 - 5 StarsI found the beginning captivating because it brought a vision that I never had before on relationships and helped me see some of my own blind-spots （words chosen by the author） and misunderstandings I had until now。Section 2 - 4 starsStill some great advice about how to look for a relationship， more of a handbook but the redaction starts to lack in quality in comparison of the first sectionSection 3 - 3 startsThe redaction is too simplistic and redundant， the advice are less s Section 1 - 5 StarsI found the beginning captivating because it brought a vision that I never had before on relationships and helped me see some of my own blind-spots （words chosen by the author） and misunderstandings I had until now。Section 2 - 4 starsStill some great advice about how to look for a relationship， more of a handbook but the redaction starts to lack in quality in comparison of the first sectionSection 3 - 3 startsThe redaction is too simplistic and redundant， the advice are less supported by science than before， it falls in the typical american self-help book a bit too boring and fake。I still recommend to read it for the beginning， but after some chapters its becoming more common sense with lots of examples and less facts。 。。。more
Cameron
，
Comprehensive overview of where you may be going wrong in regards to meeting a partner and dating and how to improveLiked that it categorised various different archetypes and modelled how they go wrong。 IE for me I am a "Maximiser" looking for perfection too much and should therefore go on more second dates。Some takeawaysLove can be calculated and take time to growThe paradox of choice can make it harderBlindspotsCulture can brainwash romanticism and false reality of what love isThink about how Comprehensive overview of where you may be going wrong in regards to meeting a partner and dating and how to improveLiked that it categorised various different archetypes and modelled how they go wrong。 IE for me I am a "Maximiser" looking for perfection too much and should therefore go on more second dates。Some takeawaysLove can be calculated and take time to growThe paradox of choice can make it harderBlindspotsCulture can brainwash romanticism and false reality of what love isThink about how someone makes you feel not a checklist of criteriaEtc etc 。。。more
Nerissa Muthayan
，
Read this after a recent breakup purely because Ali Abdaal recommended it on his YouTube channel。 It’s quite insightful， easy to read and incorporates useful examples however， the quality of the book definitely dips after the second section。
Julie Picquet
，
Yes， I am trying not to die alone
Jenna Woodrum
，
First off， I hated the title of this book。 BUT I think it was a really interesting and valuable behavioral psych perspective on modern dating and I’d recommend it to almost anyone。 Was kind of what I wanted defining decade to be
Anna Preindl
，
Well I listened to this one as an audiobook， and while it made for decent background noise， I don't think I took much away from it。 It's more entertaining than insigtful， but I can't say that I didn't enjoy it。 Spoiler: some quotes I found funny were "Even Prince Charming has morning breath" and "Colin Firth is like brussel sprouts， you learn to appreciate them when you're older。" Well I listened to this one as an audiobook， and while it made for decent background noise， I don't think I took much away from it。 It's more entertaining than insigtful， but I can't say that I didn't enjoy it。 Spoiler: some quotes I found funny were "Even Prince Charming has morning breath" and "Colin Firth is like brussel sprouts， you learn to appreciate them when you're older。" 。。。more
Sara
，
ok ok kinda revealing myself on this one but i think it’s a good book to read at any point in a relationship。 Should you get married to bf？ Should you break up？ How to have a happier marriage？ How to date more？ I’m def gonna be rereading multiple times。 A good one for overcoming any blind spots in how you are in a relationship。 Lots of hinge jokes， mentions venmo stalking your ex， and other weird dating rituals that will be outdated in 5 years。 Fun！*note: skipped some chapters （acceptable in a s ok ok kinda revealing myself on this one but i think it’s a good book to read at any point in a relationship。 Should you get married to bf？ Should you break up？ How to have a happier marriage？ How to date more？ I’m def gonna be rereading multiple times。 A good one for overcoming any blind spots in how you are in a relationship。 Lots of hinge jokes， mentions venmo stalking your ex， and other weird dating rituals that will be outdated in 5 years。 Fun！*note: skipped some chapters （acceptable in a self help book？） 。。。more
Christine Washington
，
Terrible name， but great information。
Leon
，
Decided to pick this up to give myself， or my brain idk， the appearance of being productive about dating life or maybe I was just hoping to find behavioural scientific justification for what I already knew。 I found parts of the book compelling。 Despite some critics， I found the oversimplified 3 dating archetypes quite useful， even if most people don't embody one completely， I found occasions where I had embodied each of them。 Perhaps the early section on the pitfalls of modern dating could have Decided to pick this up to give myself， or my brain idk， the appearance of being productive about dating life or maybe I was just hoping to find behavioural scientific justification for what I already knew。 I found parts of the book compelling。 Despite some critics， I found the oversimplified 3 dating archetypes quite useful， even if most people don't embody one completely， I found occasions where I had embodied each of them。 Perhaps the early section on the pitfalls of modern dating could have expanded more - I'm thinking about the statistics relating to gender disparity of dating apps， the insidious business models of dating apps。 Although， the analysis of dating apps prioritising measurable characteristics over meaningful ones was interesting。 I found learning about the different attachment styles interesting too。This almost felt like the inverse of "Men behaving badly" or a compliment to it anyway。 Both have actionable information about avoiding unhealthy relationships and promoting healthy ones。 。。。more
Miki Liu
，
Can they make this a mandatory read for anyone above the age of 22 please？ Relationship and emotional intelligence is so rarely discussed with any instruction/guidelines， as if they are something we are expected to be born to be good at。 Truth is none of us are。 I want to send a copy of the book to all my future dates -- I'd love to send them to the past boyfriends too because frankly speaking they need this crash course but that would be a bit unsolicited innit XD。Listened to the audiobook， 10/ Can they make this a mandatory read for anyone above the age of 22 please？ Relationship and emotional intelligence is so rarely discussed with any instruction/guidelines， as if they are something we are expected to be born to be good at。 Truth is none of us are。 I want to send a copy of the book to all my future dates -- I'd love to send them to the past boyfriends too because frankly speaking they need this crash course but that would be a bit unsolicited innit XD。Listened to the audiobook， 10/10 recommend。 。。。more
Samantha Hunter
，
this book appeared in my life at the perfect time and helped me to think more intentionally about my own patterns。 saving the chapters on breakups for a later time lmao
Raph
，
this was surprisingly woke， and i attribute this to the fact that it's written by a queer man - it was way more inclusive than i would have expected it to behowever， it was p basic in advice， and idk what else i expected but This Book Wasn't The Free Therapy I Hoped It Would Be TM。 also， i'm not a fan of blaming attachment theory on everything but it good it fine，，，it would have helped me if i'd read it， say， when i was freshly turned 20 this was surprisingly woke， and i attribute this to the fact that it's written by a queer man - it was way more inclusive than i would have expected it to behowever， it was p basic in advice， and idk what else i expected but This Book Wasn't The Free Therapy I Hoped It Would Be TM。 also， i'm not a fan of blaming attachment theory on everything but it good it fine，，，it would have helped me if i'd read it， say， when i was freshly turned 20 。。。more
Joy Harjanto
，
Book makes me nervous bc it really paints the nature of relationships & dating。 Basically we all have dating blindspots， some of it causes by our upbringing。 So we need to be aware of them to choose the “right enough” partner。 Once we choose the “right enough” partner， it is a mix of delusion， grunt work & learning to be a satisfier。 for a great long term rel， the basic beyond attraction is someone who is kind， loyal & with a growth mindset。
Mariam
，
Such an actionable book for people in and out of relationships。 Covers everything from online dating， to breakups， to relationship check ins。 Lots of exercises， reflection questions， and statistics/research。 I’ve identified my relationship flaw and was given clear direction on how to make sure it doesn’t negatively affect me。 Pls read even if you’re in a healthy relationship！！
laviestlivre
，
honnêtement c'était hyper chouette et je pense le relire au fur et à mesure des années à venir honnêtement c'était hyper chouette et je pense le relire au fur et à mesure des années à venir 。。。more
Duy
，
Interesting take on a sensitive subject - and of the few books on relationships that do not engage religious topics
Justine
，
Très bien。 Beaucoup d'excellents conseils même si j'en connaissais déjà certains。 Je retournerai certainement souvent à ce livre pour relire les conseils aux moments opportuns。 Très bien。 Beaucoup d'excellents conseils même si j'en connaissais déjà certains。 Je retournerai certainement souvent à ce livre pour relire les conseils aux moments opportuns。 。。。more
Closetnarnian
，
I'll admit it: I bought it to make fun of it。 But。。。 It actually has a couple of chapters that were really useful to me。 I would also strongly recommend not just single people， but also those who're already in a relationship read it。 I'll admit it: I bought it to make fun of it。 But。。。 It actually has a couple of chapters that were really useful to me。 I would also strongly recommend not just single people， but also those who're already in a relationship read it。 。。。more
Sabrina
，
This is embarrassing but this just wasn’t useful for me because this assumes that I am hesitating， not committing， wanting something that doesn’t exist or fighting with someone and making it difficult but like I haven’t even got to that stage so 。。。 I guess I’ll die alone Well researched and interesting at points but I couldn’t take much from this at all
Sohum
，
reductive， as dating advice needs to be。 amounts， in short， to the idea that we need to be open to the possibility that we are missing the forest for the trees when it comes to finding a partner
German Montañez
，
It makes me feel more anxiety about love。
Lucas Chaufournier
，